[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Bill is short for Billiam
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.