I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early