Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
welp
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”