(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
motivation
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf