hmm conte-me mais
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RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
me opening up to someone
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
But wait…
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing