Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Camping tip: No.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time