[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?