Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.