The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
the dark web is just a goth google.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?