say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference