COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Sniffing the broccoli
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party