Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?