A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
You Might Also Like
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
A drum solo but on your face.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
no
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old