waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
What’s so funny?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all