ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
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Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Buck naked
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET