Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Oh my god
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?