Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.