I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there鈥檚 so much freedom but I鈥檓 always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you鈥檙e bored of this conversation
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Five Guys: that鈥檒l be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I鈥檓 so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me: Did you see that woman鈥檚 swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you鈥檙e single!
Me: Yeah I don鈥檛 know. They鈥檙e crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster