Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay