me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA