my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.