if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
PLOT TWIST:
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Feels like the fourth month in January
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Based Erika
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.