You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Who needs an Air Fryer?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.