I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
You Might Also Like
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
🍞🦆
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.