Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
be careful
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
men, we mow at sunrise.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?