What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
A wise man once said nothing.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
my proudest tweet
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.