People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I put the mess in domestic.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.