Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
He’s cranky this morning
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!