I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.