*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.