Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.