is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.