“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
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me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.