Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
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my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed