One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.