….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
sliding into dms like
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!