Pretty certain I can more drunk
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God