It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
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Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
bro what is going on at twitter
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.