it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
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“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa