[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
You Might Also Like
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*3.5 thank you very much.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo