aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.