Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Dolls on drugs
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.