Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
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The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*