Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”