Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.