I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
#gardening
*bites zombie*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”