Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.