Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?