Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain