Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
that wasn’t the question
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door